The Lion & The Lamb

It's definitely been a long while since I posted a new blog entry. The truth is, juggling a nanny job, fitness, school, and working on my mental health.. is kind of difficult to say the least. I've been trying to find myself in the process, doing whatever I can to feel a little bit of happiness. I've been keeping up with my art lately and constantly tidying up my room. Whenever I keep a clean room and actually care about what it looks like, I feel calmer when I wake up. I figured out that even though nobody is coming to see my room it still has a heavy impact on my mindset when it's dirty/clean. It makes me feel like I'm caring about myself and my thoughts, instead of pushing my needs back so I can tend to others. Don't get me wrong I love caring for others and I like that trait about myself but sometimes I get so obsessive about others' feelings I disregard my own, and this could go on forever. Thankfully my psychologist a long time ago has pinpointed that quality about me and has taught me coping strategies along the years to remind my mind/body/soul that it is loved.
Since my last entry I've had HUGE hurdles I've had to jump over. Some of these hurdles were harder than others but I made it. The world is always going to find a curveball to throw my way, it's frustrating but that's how life is, a huge game of 'what if'. It's our job as people is to live either as a lion or a lamb.
Today I drew a lion using my favorite form; charcoal. I enjoy using charcoal as my medium because it is the easy to express your feelings throughout the drawing. This was by far my hardest piece yet and it took a few hours, I am extremely proud of myself. I'm proud because it's easy to crumple up the page and throw it away. I get impatient at times because my drawing isn't showing the imagery I want it to. What I'm failing to remind myself is 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder,' the piece is yours not someone else's. Explaining that into more depth, I mean your mind creates the piece while your eyes visualize it onto paper. Your hands take the tool to recreate the image engraved in your mind; in the end art is created.  It is truly incredible that humans can create such beautiful things. What I find that's interesting is if two people draw an elephant the outcome will look extremely different. Whether one line is placed differently or its only a difference by a hair, each person expresses it in a unique light. I've never been so amazed by art, looking at others' inspiration online doesn't make me jealous but touched. Art touches people deep within their soul and hearts. The idea is looking into the artist's view and trying to understand the perspective and thought process while they were producing it.
So when I say I'm happy with the outcome of my lion, I'm happy with the way my mind created it and how I had the ability to convey it on paper. Art is a way for me to escape, we can never truly empty our minds but for a minute I can hush the negativity. Everyone has their way to escape, and art reminds myself that I am unique, and my art doesn't have to be perfect. Perfect for me means nothing.

Carving Your Path Regardless of Others

Do you remember when you were young and had a mind full of dreams and aspirations? Either you dreamed of being a singer, ballerina, or professional athlete? I always have remembered my dreams, and sometimes my dreams never go away and it bugs me when things or people get in the way of me achieving these dreams. First things first, don't let your friends, parents, teachers, or even significant others influence what YOU choose to do in your life.
Growing up, in school I felt extremely self conscious the older I got. I often let other people/opinions affect the choices and dreams I had. Especially since I grew up not understanding social cues and material in the classroom due to ADD, I often was called stupid; even from my teachers. Year after year I was bullied and teased to the extent that I actually started to believe that I wasn't smart, that something was wrong with me. The one thing that hasn't stopped within me is my dreams, they grow and grow everyday. I always wake up with lists and lists of everything I want to do in my head, it's not the norm and my parents hate it at times...but I cannot stop when I want something. I'm so consumed and obsessed with getting where I want to be NOW. In some ways this is a positive trait for me but in others its extremely negative and can often cause me to go into a deep depression if I don't get there. For instance, I have always dreamed of becoming a singer or actress on a show etc. my parents from day one didn't think it was a good idea because it wasn't a healthy lifestyle. I wanted to become a model in middle school and my parents did not agree because they said that modeling often causes eating disorders. The funny thing is, if my parents or other people who have downgraded my thoughts/dreams were in my head, they would understand that I'm not like them. They're categorizing other peoples' behavior and basing it on me, saying I'll fall in the footsteps of 'those' certain individuals. Yes, it is true that some people who are famous have spiraled and gone down a dark path, but there are others that have chosen to do something good, like starting a charity or spreading awareness due to their fame. I feel like I could've at least given these ideas a chance, except when I was younger my parents influence on me was extremely strong.
Now that I am technically a young adult I thought I would at least get to make my own decisions and be able to spend my own money. Sometimes that isn't the case, it sucks because I want to try and achieve some things that seem out of reach but at the same time if I fail that'll be on me. I'm okay with failing as long as it was my decision in the first place, if someone tells me no before I even make a decision that just makes it ten times harder to deal with the consequences and I want to pursue that idea even more.
Just a reminder, even though your family may or may not have a big influence on you, follow your dreams. If you don't and you listen to everyone else's thoughts/opinions you will be living a life full of regret. Sometimes you have to take the initiative yourself and make a decision that might hurt others you love but in the process you might find yourself. You might discover what you truly love and enjoy doing. Whether you believe in God or not, we were all given a mind and a soul in our bodies. Our minds will think things that other people don't always agree on, it's your choice to listen to your thoughts and act on them or have someone else crush them. This world is big enough for your dreams, keep pushing even if others are pushing back. You don't have to be pulled down by negativity, have it build you up!

The Head & The Heart

Today was a hard day for me, I had to say goodbye to my psychologist of 2 years, my best friend. I've told her basically my whole life and she was my safe zone whenever I needed to spill all my emotions out. The reason I have to move on is she thinks that someone who is more experienced with a mood disorder can help with the sorts of things I'm dealing with now. People change over the years, I understand why she has to go, but I didn't expect to cry so hard. Anyone who talks to a therapist can hopefully relate, once you get to know that person and tell him/her things you don't tell anyone else... you grow more comfortable and more fond of them. That's why this goodbye was one of the hardest yet, she helped me through bullying through high school, held my hand when my ex boyfriend left for the marines, talked over Skype when I missed home in college, and most importantly; she never stopped telling me how special I am. She was like a mom to me, I hate the fact that I have to open up to a different person about my life story...but my head is telling me it makes sense. Like my mom said today, the heart always will hurt when the decision comes to letting go. 

After the ocean of tears that my mom and I made, we left with a hole in our hearts but a step in the right direction. Kind of like saying goodbye to a long distance boyfriend and saying things aren't working out because it's hindering your ability to focus in school etc... It will hurt, yes, but in the end you'll think back and remember how tough the decision was but the fact that YOU made it. On your own you decided what was best for you, even though the choice was difficult and sad, the strength to move forward makes you stronger as a person and that hole in your heart will be mended with a new memory. 

In order to distract myself after a traumatic goodbye, I put my workout clothes on and headed to the gym. It's been a couple weeks since I've been but I knew I had to get rid of this anger/sadness somehow. I started running on the treadmill and I immediately thought "What the hell was I thinking?!" Haha, but then I was like; I came all this way and even drove here, I am not giving up. I haven't gone on a run in a long time because I have knee and back/neck problems from dance and a car wreck. So getting back and running again was such a thrill! The second I reached 1 mile I wanted to stop because this was the time when I lose feeling in my legs. I told myself "after this song I'll take a break." This is such a good method because once the song ends another good song comes on and then I said the same sentence again and again until I reached 2 miles. 2 miles is the total amount I run before I actually lift weights and work on legs, so the warmup I completed raised my stamina and more importantly gave me a boost of self confidence knowing I did it. I completed a difficult challenge by myself and pushed myself. 

To those of you who don't work out a lot and keep saying "I'll go tomorrow," GO! Life is too short and I promise you the day you go and do some sort of exercise you will feel a little happier than you did before your workout. We all know that life is not at all easy, but every single day we get to choose how we want to live our day. 24 hours to do what makes us happy and feel alive again. What do you choose to do in your day? Make a list of goals for your days, whether it's a small one like "get my nails done" or "ride my bike on a trail." Little things that remind you that you are human and you do need to take some time in your day to show yourself love and care. Yes, we all have busy lives, I am a full-time nanny and fitness instructor, my days are crammed, but I know if I don't draw/paint or workout I feel pretty depressed before I go to bed. 

So going back to what I said before, there are tough decisions in everyone's life, whether that's putting your animal down, bringing your 5 yr old to Pre K, or even having to leave your friends due to your parent getting a new job somewhere else. Whether it's big or small, those tough decisions will make it harder to take that step the next day. Leaving a hole in your heart to those you miss, but in your head it will start to make sense. I'm hurting right now, for myself, and those who are struggling with whatever they're going through today. Holes will always be mended, it takes time, patience, love, and care but moving forward is the best choice we got. Making new experiences to replace old ones, they may not be the same, but those people/places will leave a new footprint in your heart and your direction. Wherever life takes you...don't be afraid to go somewhere new or put yourself out there. Remember, you aren't made out of stone, show yourself compassion and care and tell yourself it is okay to feel sad right now. Life is a rollercoaster that may seem never-ending, but we have the choice to take a step back and mend/recuperate whats been hurt. Have a wonderful evening, and love yourself! 

Wonders of Wednesday

Normally, my Wednesday's aren't that exciting since I've usually just been in school. Since I've gotten home from college, I didn't expect to get a job right away. I applied to a few gyms to teach fitness classes and I have an interested manager but it is moving a little slow. I've nannied over the summer and had a care.com account that I never deleted so I decided look to see if there were any jobs available. I immediately received positive responses from families just 5 miles away so that was awesome! I was asked by one family (who seemed to be the perfect fit for me) to come over to do a trial run tonight and meet the kids. I was told that it would be a hit or miss because they were talking to other nannies as well. I was really nervous because I really wanted this job. I went in and just acted like myself because why act like someone else? Each and every person on this planet is special :) I was sweating hardcore but at the same time I felt pretty good about things before I left. I hope they felt the same way about me. I'm excited because I get to come back tomorrow and layout a schedule!
When I left and said my goodbyes to the kids I was walking to my car. I got a text that set me a little off because it was one of those texts that punches you in the heart. It brought me into a deep sadness and I was totally depressed when I came home. I shared it with my mom and she was wondering why I was giving this person so much power. She also was asking why it's getting to me and ruining the big accomplishment I just received. I was pissed that it was making me forget what just happened, I GOT A GREAT JOB! It's hard to move on from something bad in your day, I don't know if that's just me or... But I tend to have really good things happen in my day and then one little tiny thing happens and BOOM explosion.
Sometimes I wish we didn't have feelings because that often gets in the way, but we aren't robots and that wouldn't be fun. I figured out that even though it'll be hard to remind myself, I just have to tell myself that there will be people out there that try and bring you down. If they bring you down then they win, if you don't allow them to affect you and brush it off, then they don't have the power. Right now I'm reminding myself of all the accomplishments I have made throughout my day. I'm going to start writing out a list before I go to bed each night, writing down the good things about my day and accomplishments big or small. Whether that's getting my nails done, showering, walking the dog, etc. I'm going to end my day on a good note, you should try it too!

Emotions; Friends or Foes?

Whether coping with a mental/emotional disorder or not everyone can use a little guidance with their emotions, including me. By writing these blog posts it is a helpful tool for me to move forward in a positive direction with my life. If you struggle immensely with your emotions don't think it's because you're weird or crazy, you're body's just thrown off the tracks right now, but you can find your way back on that path. Just like if you were performing a dance on the stage and you fell down, you always get right back up. That might've been a not so good performance but the next time will always be a step up from your last. So the next time you have a bad moment in your day or react in a way that sets you off balance.. recuperate, and take a step back, assess the situation, and remind yourself it was only a little bump in your path. There will always be bumps along your road, there might be bigger ones than others but remember there is always a finishing line. Just like runners, there will always be a faster runner than you in the race, the goal is not to get there first but the quality on how you run the race. Will you go too fast and trip and fall? Or will you act too cautious and finish too slow? Or will you run the race the best that you can without fearing that the other will pass you? Will you keep running to feel the sensation when you finish that line? Will you win for yourself?

Life may feel like a race sometimes, but in reality the idea is to get wherever you're heading at the pace that works best for you. How this ties in with working with your emotions is some may not struggle with the same thing as you, some may say "why are you so sensitive?" I can't tell you how many times I've heard that about myself. You do not need to have a mental health disorder to struggle with emotions. Life is unpredictable and will throw curveballs, emotions are thrown off by taking on a lot of stress. The body's way to deal with that stress is through face-to-face contact with another person, to reboot the nervous system so to speak. This is why reaching out to a trusted psychologist is a good start to a healthy life or someone you simply trust. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C71kQdxZvtQ

Every once in a blue moon we all need a little something to boost us through our week! Take some time if you have it to watch this video I made :) It took some time since I am not technologically savvy haha but it ended up working! I hope you all enjoy this and whenever you feel you need a pick-me-up don't hesitate to click on this to remind yourself!

The Inner Voice: My Worst Critic

There are many thoughts that go through my mind on a daily basis. Some of those thoughts are good but more than half are belittling and paralyzing. I often talk about these thoughts with my counselor and she tells me to try and shut them up. Sometimes it doesn't always work, I know everyone feels this at times of weakness but the thoughts I often hear are "you can't do this," "you knew nobody would think you had it in you," or "that could've been ten times better."However, to shut those little annoying voices up you know what you say? "I know I could've done it better, but it was the best I could do at the time." There is always something 'we' can do better in our lives but we are only human and WE MAKE MISTAKES! It's what humans do :) so the next time you hear that annoying voice tell it to shut up or to get out! You run this ship (your mind) and even though that voice seems like it is in charge you are the captain. 

The picture above is something I drew with charcoal. I love using charcoal to express what is truly yours that comes deep within your soul. I use hard lines and shading when I feel it hurts the most. 

Going back to what was previously said, you are in charge of your mind. Sometimes I feel like if I heard someone tell me those exact words I would laugh, the control that I have over my mind feels minimal during times of struggle. When those thoughts start pouring into my head I tend to revert to my natural habitat... drawing. Two years ago I started taking an Art 101 class and found myself really getting into the painting side of things. I loved the feeling when you mix the paints into a beautiful color. By taking multiple colors that don't even seem like they go together and making one unique and pristine one. My teacher used to tell me that the minute I put brush to the page I turned silent, she noticed a change in my behavior after the class versus before. I would always come in feeling agitated right when school started, when I left she said it was like I walked right out of a massage. It took me awhile to realize that art is what I needed when I let my thoughts get the best of me. Sometimes it takes people forever, but remember everyone is on their own journey! 

Breathe, Observe, and Collect; The Tranquil Trio

We all struggle with something during our day that sets us off balance, but we all have to find a way to bounce back. Sometimes with having a disorder "bouncing back" may not be as easy as its cracked up to be. Learning some coping strategies has always helped me out in the long run. Last year I had a terrifying experience where I was bullied online and I was away at school and I ended up having a panic attack. It was so bad that my mom had to come get me, we thought it went away but in the car my throat started to close up and I was hyperventilating for close to an hour. 

"You are not a burden"

My mom was scared to death and so was I. I've never experienced such a traumatic experience where I could not breathe. My mom and dad watched as they rushed me into the hospital, they hooked up a heart monitor and watched me as I tried to control my breathing. The doctor had told me that the reason why I was so worked up was because of the triggering of traumatic events from my past. When someone bullied me online last year it brought up terrible experiences of being bullied throughout my whole school experience, especially in high school. 

The doctors came into teach me some breathing exercises to help your body stay grounded and to not let the anxiety take ahold of you. I thought it was stupid at first but then I realized that it started to work. It reminded me that I am alive and I'm standing on the earth I was created to be on. So is everyone else that was created to be on this earth. Sometimes I feel like everyone misses the point that we are all special in our own way. We were created to be different, why give everyone the same talent, just so one can perform it better than the other? No, everyone has their own unique style/persona about them that makes them special, that is why you should tell yourself that you are special every single day. YOU ARE MEANT TO BE HERE :)

Day by Day...

I walk the life I live and suck up the bad times and embrace the good. My whole life I've been trying to figure out why I don't feel "normal." I've been searching to find something that makes me feel something other than numbness.

I've finally come to realize that nobody in this world is considered 'normal.' If you are the one exception who is considered normal then you have to be hiding something from the world. Our society these days is hard to live with, if you immediately share something private about your life/health we are taught that might hinder your ability to get into school or get a job. For instance, disorders...

I have lived with severe anxiety and depression my whole life and there hasn't been a minute in my day where I haven't been constantly worrying about nothing or sad about something. Often I'm told by others to not worry, everything will be fine, or my favorite: just calm down. The most common thought process for people coping with anxiety or depression is "well I would calm down if I knew how" or "I would try to do something to make me happy but nothing works." I've been down a dark never-ending hole for awhile. I've tried calling out for help but nobody can hear me, the minute I try to climb up I'm grabbed and taken further down. Being diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression in junior year was a struggle to say the least. The newest diagnosis was last month, bipolar 2 disorder gets added to the list. Myself feeling overmedicated half the time, thought "when is the list of disorders going to stop?" When is the next one going to be added on? Coping with these demons in my life I've tried to reach out to others. I am a very open person when it comes to things I'm going through. I would always ask people for advice to make sure I'm feeling the right emotion. I would always get the response that started with "no thats not right.." or "no does that happen to you?" Growing up, elementary through high school I've felt a little behind. I never understood social cues on my own due to my ADD and I didn't do great in school either. I always felt like I was having a harder time than others, and thats because I was. I wake up with these demons everyday, and I have learned to tell myself "this is normal" or "You'll be fine."

I am 19 years old and a soon to be sophomore in college. I created this blog for a way to break out of the real world and let my thoughts escape out through my fingers onto the screen. Even though I have a lot of life left to live, I can still make a difference in today's world.

My past has come to haunt me during times of sadness, I have experienced a passing of someone with terminal cancer, a suicide of a friend, and someone who was about to commit suicide. As a child I thought the world was a beautiful and happy place, the times of grief that I've experienced tore me down. I've learned after years that even though something dark has happened in your life you keep moving forward. I've definitely had days where my demons have gotten the best of me, where I didn't want to be here anymore, out of pain, out of misery, in complete happiness. That isn't fair though, I remember when I thought my best friend had died during surgery I cut myself 20 times on my left wrist in the bath, I wanted it to be the end. My family was shocked, everyone was balling as I lay there half conscious, my dad repeated "why would you do this." Thinking back to that terrible moment in my life I can recall the good things that came with it. MY family realized that depression is so much more than a disorder, it takes over your mind and makes you think you're alone when really you are surrounded by people who love and care about you. From that moment forward my family wouldn't let me be alone and if I was upset they wouldn't stop asking why until I shared it with them.
Sometimes this would bug me because they wouldn't leave me alone but at the same time I really appreciated it because I felt loved. If you have a friend or family member that feels this way make it known to them that you ARE there for them and you are not leaving. I know I still feel this way at times but in the moment of wanting to commit suicide I would've loved to hear someone say "I understand" or "I'm willing to listen if you can help me understand."

 My life has always been an internal struggle that isn't seen on the outside. Within the darkness tears everything down in it's wake. If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with a disorder you can understand the feeling. Depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder DO NOT define you, I tell myself that everyday, it may not stick but at least I'm reminding myself of what I'm working through not who I am. Sometimes I find myself driving and a flashback of my life occurs and I remember certain things I have said and/or acted on and it makes sense to me now because of my disorder. My family would always ask me why I would yell, cry, or burst out at random times of the day and I wouldn't know. I would always search for help from my mom or dad but wouldn't even know what was wrong with me, just the fact that I NEEDED help.
The background of my life is not what I talk about a lot, I've thought about writing a blog for some time now and I want to spread awareness. I'm going to be writing about my life mostly and the battles that I've overcome or still am fighting. If you have a disorder like mine then this is the blog for you, some of you out there are still scared or physically/mentally can't ask for help, which is fine. That is why I'm here, going through depression especially, feels like a battle that nobody can help you with. I would know, I have felt at my weakest several times, the darkness surrounds you, feeling like you're suffocating when everyone around you doesn't notice a thing. Joining together however encourages us to seek help/awareness for those who are still fighting. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Life is not normal and will never be a steady ride, that is what I unfortunately had to learn time and time again. There will be many hardships along the road but thats why life contains the good and bad. We have been given a body with our own unique soul and beating heart. We are capable of love and emotion. Sometimes we forget our way or where we are today. Thats when we remind ourselves of how far we've come and that tomorrow will be a new day. Notice the fact that we are standing on two feet and being able to breathe in the fresh air. Everyone is fighting their own battles, whether they can be seen or not, keep that in mind! Hope you liked my first blog post, I'm excited to see the feedback I get and more importantly give advice to any who need it! To those of you having a rough day just remember that YOU are good ENOUGH.

Stay tuned for more Surviving Through The "Norm"