Today was a hard day for me, I had to say goodbye to my psychologist of 2 years, my best friend. I've told her basically my whole life and she was my safe zone whenever I needed to spill all my emotions out. The reason I have to move on is she thinks that someone who is more experienced with a mood disorder can help with the sorts of things I'm dealing with now. People change over the years, I understand why she has to go, but I didn't expect to cry so hard. Anyone who talks to a therapist can hopefully relate, once you get to know that person and tell him/her things you don't tell anyone else... you grow more comfortable and more fond of them. That's why this goodbye was one of the hardest yet, she helped me through bullying through high school, held my hand when my ex boyfriend left for the marines, talked over Skype when I missed home in college, and most importantly; she never stopped telling me how special I am. She was like a mom to me, I hate the fact that I have to open up to a different person about my life story...but my head is telling me it makes sense. Like my mom said today, the heart always will hurt when the decision comes to letting go.
After the ocean of tears that my mom and I made, we left with a hole in our hearts but a step in the right direction. Kind of like saying goodbye to a long distance boyfriend and saying things aren't working out because it's hindering your ability to focus in school etc... It will hurt, yes, but in the end you'll think back and remember how tough the decision was but the fact that YOU made it. On your own you decided what was best for you, even though the choice was difficult and sad, the strength to move forward makes you stronger as a person and that hole in your heart will be mended with a new memory.
In order to distract myself after a traumatic goodbye, I put my workout clothes on and headed to the gym. It's been a couple weeks since I've been but I knew I had to get rid of this anger/sadness somehow. I started running on the treadmill and I immediately thought "What the hell was I thinking?!" Haha, but then I was like; I came all this way and even drove here, I am not giving up. I haven't gone on a run in a long time because I have knee and back/neck problems from dance and a car wreck. So getting back and running again was such a thrill! The second I reached 1 mile I wanted to stop because this was the time when I lose feeling in my legs. I told myself "after this song I'll take a break." This is such a good method because once the song ends another good song comes on and then I said the same sentence again and again until I reached 2 miles. 2 miles is the total amount I run before I actually lift weights and work on legs, so the warmup I completed raised my stamina and more importantly gave me a boost of self confidence knowing I did it. I completed a difficult challenge by myself and pushed myself.
To those of you who don't work out a lot and keep saying "I'll go tomorrow," GO! Life is too short and I promise you the day you go and do some sort of exercise you will feel a little happier than you did before your workout. We all know that life is not at all easy, but every single day we get to choose how we want to live our day. 24 hours to do what makes us happy and feel alive again. What do you choose to do in your day? Make a list of goals for your days, whether it's a small one like "get my nails done" or "ride my bike on a trail." Little things that remind you that you are human and you do need to take some time in your day to show yourself love and care. Yes, we all have busy lives, I am a full-time nanny and fitness instructor, my days are crammed, but I know if I don't draw/paint or workout I feel pretty depressed before I go to bed.
So going back to what I said before, there are tough decisions in everyone's life, whether that's putting your animal down, bringing your 5 yr old to Pre K, or even having to leave your friends due to your parent getting a new job somewhere else. Whether it's big or small, those tough decisions will make it harder to take that step the next day. Leaving a hole in your heart to those you miss, but in your head it will start to make sense. I'm hurting right now, for myself, and those who are struggling with whatever they're going through today. Holes will always be mended, it takes time, patience, love, and care but moving forward is the best choice we got. Making new experiences to replace old ones, they may not be the same, but those people/places will leave a new footprint in your heart and your direction. Wherever life takes you...don't be afraid to go somewhere new or put yourself out there. Remember, you aren't made out of stone, show yourself compassion and care and tell yourself it is okay to feel sad right now. Life is a rollercoaster that may seem never-ending, but we have the choice to take a step back and mend/recuperate whats been hurt. Have a wonderful evening, and love yourself!
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