I walk the life I live and suck up the bad times and embrace the good. My whole life I've been trying to figure out why I don't feel "normal." I've been searching to find something that makes me feel something other than numbness.
I've finally come to realize that nobody in this world is considered 'normal.' If you are the one exception who is considered normal then you have to be hiding something from the world. Our society these days is hard to live with, if you immediately share something private about your life/health we are taught that might hinder your ability to get into school or get a job. For instance, disorders...
I have lived with severe anxiety and depression my whole life and there hasn't been a minute in my day where I haven't been constantly worrying about nothing or sad about something. Often I'm told by others to not worry, everything will be fine, or my favorite: just calm down. The most common thought process for people coping with anxiety or depression is "well I would calm down if I knew how" or "I would try to do something to make me happy but nothing works." I've been down a dark never-ending hole for awhile. I've tried calling out for help but nobody can hear me, the minute I try to climb up I'm grabbed and taken further down. Being diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression in junior year was a struggle to say the least. The newest diagnosis was last month, bipolar 2 disorder gets added to the list. Myself feeling overmedicated half the time, thought "when is the list of disorders going to stop?" When is the next one going to be added on? Coping with these demons in my life I've tried to reach out to others. I am a very open person when it comes to things I'm going through. I would always ask people for advice to make sure I'm feeling the right emotion. I would always get the response that started with "no thats not right.." or "no does that happen to you?" Growing up, elementary through high school I've felt a little behind. I never understood social cues on my own due to my ADD and I didn't do great in school either. I always felt like I was having a harder time than others, and thats because I was. I wake up with these demons everyday, and I have learned to tell myself "this is normal" or "You'll be fine."
I am 19 years old and a soon to be sophomore in college. I created this blog for a way to break out of the real world and let my thoughts escape out through my fingers onto the screen. Even though I have a lot of life left to live, I can still make a difference in today's world.
My past has come to haunt me during times of sadness, I have experienced a passing of someone with terminal cancer, a suicide of a friend, and someone who was about to commit suicide. As a child I thought the world was a beautiful and happy place, the times of grief that I've experienced tore me down. I've learned after years that even though something dark has happened in your life you keep moving forward. I've definitely had days where my demons have gotten the best of me, where I didn't want to be here anymore, out of pain, out of misery, in complete happiness. That isn't fair though, I remember when I thought my best friend had died during surgery I cut myself 20 times on my left wrist in the bath, I wanted it to be the end. My family was shocked, everyone was balling as I lay there half conscious, my dad repeated "why would you do this." Thinking back to that terrible moment in my life I can recall the good things that came with it. MY family realized that depression is so much more than a disorder, it takes over your mind and makes you think you're alone when really you are surrounded by people who love and care about you. From that moment forward my family wouldn't let me be alone and if I was upset they wouldn't stop asking why until I shared it with them.
Sometimes this would bug me because they wouldn't leave me alone but at the same time I really appreciated it because I felt loved. If you have a friend or family member that feels this way make it known to them that you ARE there for them and you are not leaving. I know I still feel this way at times but in the moment of wanting to commit suicide I would've loved to hear someone say "I understand" or "I'm willing to listen if you can help me understand."
My life has always been an internal struggle that isn't seen on the outside. Within the darkness tears everything down in it's wake. If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with a disorder you can understand the feeling. Depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder DO NOT define you, I tell myself that everyday, it may not stick but at least I'm reminding myself of what I'm working through not who I am. Sometimes I find myself driving and a flashback of my life occurs and I remember certain things I have said and/or acted on and it makes sense to me now because of my disorder. My family would always ask me why I would yell, cry, or burst out at random times of the day and I wouldn't know. I would always search for help from my mom or dad but wouldn't even know what was wrong with me, just the fact that I NEEDED help.
The background of my life is not what I talk about a lot, I've thought about writing a blog for some time now and I want to spread awareness. I'm going to be writing about my life mostly and the battles that I've overcome or still am fighting. If you have a disorder like mine then this is the blog for you, some of you out there are still scared or physically/mentally can't ask for help, which is fine. That is why I'm here, going through depression especially, feels like a battle that nobody can help you with. I would know, I have felt at my weakest several times, the darkness surrounds you, feeling like you're suffocating when everyone around you doesn't notice a thing. Joining together however encourages us to seek help/awareness for those who are still fighting. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Life is not normal and will never be a steady ride, that is what I unfortunately had to learn time and time again. There will be many hardships along the road but thats why life contains the good and bad. We have been given a body with our own unique soul and beating heart. We are capable of love and emotion. Sometimes we forget our way or where we are today. Thats when we remind ourselves of how far we've come and that tomorrow will be a new day. Notice the fact that we are standing on two feet and being able to breathe in the fresh air. Everyone is fighting their own battles, whether they can be seen or not, keep that in mind! Hope you liked my first blog post, I'm excited to see the feedback I get and more importantly give advice to any who need it! To those of you having a rough day just remember that YOU are good ENOUGH.
No comments:
Post a Comment