Carving Your Path Regardless of Others

Do you remember when you were young and had a mind full of dreams and aspirations? Either you dreamed of being a singer, ballerina, or professional athlete? I always have remembered my dreams, and sometimes my dreams never go away and it bugs me when things or people get in the way of me achieving these dreams. First things first, don't let your friends, parents, teachers, or even significant others influence what YOU choose to do in your life.
Growing up, in school I felt extremely self conscious the older I got. I often let other people/opinions affect the choices and dreams I had. Especially since I grew up not understanding social cues and material in the classroom due to ADD, I often was called stupid; even from my teachers. Year after year I was bullied and teased to the extent that I actually started to believe that I wasn't smart, that something was wrong with me. The one thing that hasn't stopped within me is my dreams, they grow and grow everyday. I always wake up with lists and lists of everything I want to do in my head, it's not the norm and my parents hate it at times...but I cannot stop when I want something. I'm so consumed and obsessed with getting where I want to be NOW. In some ways this is a positive trait for me but in others its extremely negative and can often cause me to go into a deep depression if I don't get there. For instance, I have always dreamed of becoming a singer or actress on a show etc. my parents from day one didn't think it was a good idea because it wasn't a healthy lifestyle. I wanted to become a model in middle school and my parents did not agree because they said that modeling often causes eating disorders. The funny thing is, if my parents or other people who have downgraded my thoughts/dreams were in my head, they would understand that I'm not like them. They're categorizing other peoples' behavior and basing it on me, saying I'll fall in the footsteps of 'those' certain individuals. Yes, it is true that some people who are famous have spiraled and gone down a dark path, but there are others that have chosen to do something good, like starting a charity or spreading awareness due to their fame. I feel like I could've at least given these ideas a chance, except when I was younger my parents influence on me was extremely strong.
Now that I am technically a young adult I thought I would at least get to make my own decisions and be able to spend my own money. Sometimes that isn't the case, it sucks because I want to try and achieve some things that seem out of reach but at the same time if I fail that'll be on me. I'm okay with failing as long as it was my decision in the first place, if someone tells me no before I even make a decision that just makes it ten times harder to deal with the consequences and I want to pursue that idea even more.
Just a reminder, even though your family may or may not have a big influence on you, follow your dreams. If you don't and you listen to everyone else's thoughts/opinions you will be living a life full of regret. Sometimes you have to take the initiative yourself and make a decision that might hurt others you love but in the process you might find yourself. You might discover what you truly love and enjoy doing. Whether you believe in God or not, we were all given a mind and a soul in our bodies. Our minds will think things that other people don't always agree on, it's your choice to listen to your thoughts and act on them or have someone else crush them. This world is big enough for your dreams, keep pushing even if others are pushing back. You don't have to be pulled down by negativity, have it build you up!

The Head & The Heart

Today was a hard day for me, I had to say goodbye to my psychologist of 2 years, my best friend. I've told her basically my whole life and she was my safe zone whenever I needed to spill all my emotions out. The reason I have to move on is she thinks that someone who is more experienced with a mood disorder can help with the sorts of things I'm dealing with now. People change over the years, I understand why she has to go, but I didn't expect to cry so hard. Anyone who talks to a therapist can hopefully relate, once you get to know that person and tell him/her things you don't tell anyone else... you grow more comfortable and more fond of them. That's why this goodbye was one of the hardest yet, she helped me through bullying through high school, held my hand when my ex boyfriend left for the marines, talked over Skype when I missed home in college, and most importantly; she never stopped telling me how special I am. She was like a mom to me, I hate the fact that I have to open up to a different person about my life story...but my head is telling me it makes sense. Like my mom said today, the heart always will hurt when the decision comes to letting go. 

After the ocean of tears that my mom and I made, we left with a hole in our hearts but a step in the right direction. Kind of like saying goodbye to a long distance boyfriend and saying things aren't working out because it's hindering your ability to focus in school etc... It will hurt, yes, but in the end you'll think back and remember how tough the decision was but the fact that YOU made it. On your own you decided what was best for you, even though the choice was difficult and sad, the strength to move forward makes you stronger as a person and that hole in your heart will be mended with a new memory. 

In order to distract myself after a traumatic goodbye, I put my workout clothes on and headed to the gym. It's been a couple weeks since I've been but I knew I had to get rid of this anger/sadness somehow. I started running on the treadmill and I immediately thought "What the hell was I thinking?!" Haha, but then I was like; I came all this way and even drove here, I am not giving up. I haven't gone on a run in a long time because I have knee and back/neck problems from dance and a car wreck. So getting back and running again was such a thrill! The second I reached 1 mile I wanted to stop because this was the time when I lose feeling in my legs. I told myself "after this song I'll take a break." This is such a good method because once the song ends another good song comes on and then I said the same sentence again and again until I reached 2 miles. 2 miles is the total amount I run before I actually lift weights and work on legs, so the warmup I completed raised my stamina and more importantly gave me a boost of self confidence knowing I did it. I completed a difficult challenge by myself and pushed myself. 

To those of you who don't work out a lot and keep saying "I'll go tomorrow," GO! Life is too short and I promise you the day you go and do some sort of exercise you will feel a little happier than you did before your workout. We all know that life is not at all easy, but every single day we get to choose how we want to live our day. 24 hours to do what makes us happy and feel alive again. What do you choose to do in your day? Make a list of goals for your days, whether it's a small one like "get my nails done" or "ride my bike on a trail." Little things that remind you that you are human and you do need to take some time in your day to show yourself love and care. Yes, we all have busy lives, I am a full-time nanny and fitness instructor, my days are crammed, but I know if I don't draw/paint or workout I feel pretty depressed before I go to bed. 

So going back to what I said before, there are tough decisions in everyone's life, whether that's putting your animal down, bringing your 5 yr old to Pre K, or even having to leave your friends due to your parent getting a new job somewhere else. Whether it's big or small, those tough decisions will make it harder to take that step the next day. Leaving a hole in your heart to those you miss, but in your head it will start to make sense. I'm hurting right now, for myself, and those who are struggling with whatever they're going through today. Holes will always be mended, it takes time, patience, love, and care but moving forward is the best choice we got. Making new experiences to replace old ones, they may not be the same, but those people/places will leave a new footprint in your heart and your direction. Wherever life takes you...don't be afraid to go somewhere new or put yourself out there. Remember, you aren't made out of stone, show yourself compassion and care and tell yourself it is okay to feel sad right now. Life is a rollercoaster that may seem never-ending, but we have the choice to take a step back and mend/recuperate whats been hurt. Have a wonderful evening, and love yourself! 

Wonders of Wednesday

Normally, my Wednesday's aren't that exciting since I've usually just been in school. Since I've gotten home from college, I didn't expect to get a job right away. I applied to a few gyms to teach fitness classes and I have an interested manager but it is moving a little slow. I've nannied over the summer and had a care.com account that I never deleted so I decided look to see if there were any jobs available. I immediately received positive responses from families just 5 miles away so that was awesome! I was asked by one family (who seemed to be the perfect fit for me) to come over to do a trial run tonight and meet the kids. I was told that it would be a hit or miss because they were talking to other nannies as well. I was really nervous because I really wanted this job. I went in and just acted like myself because why act like someone else? Each and every person on this planet is special :) I was sweating hardcore but at the same time I felt pretty good about things before I left. I hope they felt the same way about me. I'm excited because I get to come back tomorrow and layout a schedule!
When I left and said my goodbyes to the kids I was walking to my car. I got a text that set me a little off because it was one of those texts that punches you in the heart. It brought me into a deep sadness and I was totally depressed when I came home. I shared it with my mom and she was wondering why I was giving this person so much power. She also was asking why it's getting to me and ruining the big accomplishment I just received. I was pissed that it was making me forget what just happened, I GOT A GREAT JOB! It's hard to move on from something bad in your day, I don't know if that's just me or... But I tend to have really good things happen in my day and then one little tiny thing happens and BOOM explosion.
Sometimes I wish we didn't have feelings because that often gets in the way, but we aren't robots and that wouldn't be fun. I figured out that even though it'll be hard to remind myself, I just have to tell myself that there will be people out there that try and bring you down. If they bring you down then they win, if you don't allow them to affect you and brush it off, then they don't have the power. Right now I'm reminding myself of all the accomplishments I have made throughout my day. I'm going to start writing out a list before I go to bed each night, writing down the good things about my day and accomplishments big or small. Whether that's getting my nails done, showering, walking the dog, etc. I'm going to end my day on a good note, you should try it too!

Emotions; Friends or Foes?

Whether coping with a mental/emotional disorder or not everyone can use a little guidance with their emotions, including me. By writing these blog posts it is a helpful tool for me to move forward in a positive direction with my life. If you struggle immensely with your emotions don't think it's because you're weird or crazy, you're body's just thrown off the tracks right now, but you can find your way back on that path. Just like if you were performing a dance on the stage and you fell down, you always get right back up. That might've been a not so good performance but the next time will always be a step up from your last. So the next time you have a bad moment in your day or react in a way that sets you off balance.. recuperate, and take a step back, assess the situation, and remind yourself it was only a little bump in your path. There will always be bumps along your road, there might be bigger ones than others but remember there is always a finishing line. Just like runners, there will always be a faster runner than you in the race, the goal is not to get there first but the quality on how you run the race. Will you go too fast and trip and fall? Or will you act too cautious and finish too slow? Or will you run the race the best that you can without fearing that the other will pass you? Will you keep running to feel the sensation when you finish that line? Will you win for yourself?

Life may feel like a race sometimes, but in reality the idea is to get wherever you're heading at the pace that works best for you. How this ties in with working with your emotions is some may not struggle with the same thing as you, some may say "why are you so sensitive?" I can't tell you how many times I've heard that about myself. You do not need to have a mental health disorder to struggle with emotions. Life is unpredictable and will throw curveballs, emotions are thrown off by taking on a lot of stress. The body's way to deal with that stress is through face-to-face contact with another person, to reboot the nervous system so to speak. This is why reaching out to a trusted psychologist is a good start to a healthy life or someone you simply trust.