Trees Lose Leaves Too..

I know it has been awhile since I've come out of my little world and posted on here, I'm sorry for that! But as you know I have a life I have to live and sometimes there are conflicts within the days I go through. Sometimes I don't even have the strength within to keep going.

Tonight I was given the choice of choosing something unhealthy to make me feel better and wash my feelings away or to let out my feelings by painting or posting another entry. A really close person to me said "you have the choice to do what is 'best' for you." They didn't pressure me or say "that's not good for you." If they had I probably would've chosen, the other option. In my head to anyone who cannot relate; I tend to lean toward the bad choice for me.

There have been many times in the past month where I've thought about hurting myself again. I don't know why but I always think about terrible things and acting on them after 4 pm and on. I've talked to my psychologist and doctor etc. about this and it's because my medicine slowly weens off. It sucks to have to rely on the timing of your medication because sometimes I think "why am I not strong enough to control this on my own?" Last night I was hanging out with someone for the first time and I now know not to hang with that person again due to the words/ sentences he used. He said "medicine is just making you worse..." I honestly wanted to punch him so bad but I controlled myself and simply said "you're not me but thanks for your opinion." My mom has always told me to handle it with class and hold the sass for later hahaha. Anyway, it sucks when you put that information out there to people because you never know what their opinions are and what they are going to reply with. I have gotten a lot of crap from people that don't know my history by hearing "just forget the past," "you'll get over it," "just focus on something positive!" It's like IF I KNEW HOW TO DO THAT I WOULDN'T EVEN BE TALKING TO YOU. But life sometimes won't go the way you want it to and that is the whole point of defeating challenges and taking on new ones. 

I named this blog entry "Trees Lose Leaves Too" because as cheesy as it sounds... trees always lose their leaves; some may lose them faster others but they all will grow them back eventually. This connects to many things in my life and may connect to yours as well.

Our leaves in life may be multiple things in life (losing a job, losing a loved one, or other losses that happen when we least expect them to) but when we lose those things in life we tend to compare our struggle to someone else's that happened in the past. For instance, I had to go through a terrible loss of my friend committing suicide in junior year of high school. I went through a year or more of loss and it resulted in many stages of emotional grief. My parents told me stories about when they lost their mom or boyfriend in the past and how they got over it. However, I kept working myself up because I kept hearing "you'll find a way to accept it soon." I didn't want to accept it and to this day I haven't accepted it, loss is never easy for anybody, and it is not the same for people in the stages they go through. I was often angry rather than sad because the school didn't do very much about the cause of her suicide and the people responsible for the bullying; but the anger never really went away. People kept telling me it'll pass and since they gave me advice based on THEIR experience... it was harder for me to move on! Nobody can tell you when the awful feeling you are experiencing will go away. THEY ARE NOT YOU. You can look it up on google all you want like getting over a boyfriend etc. but if you don't want to push yourself to accepting closure on your own you will find it harder to push through. 

I don't know a lot about life or mine at all due to being a young adult, and I find it really hard to even apply these tips to myself as well. But when I go through the different stages of my emotions everyday it’s similar to comparing it to a lottery. I never know what I'm going to feel at this part of my day. It’s always different, if I'm eating a good meal I might happen to cry or yell for absolutely no cause at all. Some may say it's because I'm a woman but honestly I know my body and I know what I'm feeling is within my mind. The mind is a powerful thing as everyone is aware of, and it is extremely hard to conquer anything when it has to deal with the mind battling the mind. That is why psychological disorders of any degree are such a hard obstacle to overcome and it doesn't happen just once, you have to conquer it time and time again throughout your whole life. I'll just be sitting in my room and suddenly feel the urge to take all my pills out and swallow them. It's absolutely terrifying to be your own captive to your inner monster… my inner monster takes over my mind when I’m at a weak point, but it's my job to decide whether it will win or lose. 

When trees start to grow, you plant a seed in the ground, water it, and let the sun do its work. The growing doesn't immediately happen right then and there, it's a long process that doesn't happen overnight. When the seedling starts to sprout and make its way breaking through the soil, there is still a high chance of it withering or not surviving due to weather conditions or unseen sources. However, you will never be able to foresee the outcome, we cannot see the future but if you show love and care to that seedling it will portray that love and care into becoming a large and healthy tree. Just like humans, we need fuel to build strong bones and muscle and it took a while to grow our body to a strong and healthy being. Just because you have reached a maximum weight of an adult doesn't mean you have stopped growing so you can relax now, it means you have more time to concentrate on growing and helping your mind. Your mind is still sprouting, and it will be for the rest of our lives. That is what is so magical about our brain, we control it, sometimes it may not want to be controlled due to depression, anxiety, etc. but like I said about the possibility of withering... we can only do our best to control the situation we are in/ the present. We cannot control what happens in the future but we can build ourselves up to work and help ready ourselves for that hurdle when it comes. For instance, when I was staring at a full bottle of pills that I dumped into my hand a week or so ago, nobody stopped me, I just looked at them. I didn't act on it because my mind was giving in to my inner demons but my arm wasn't moving. My hand and arm were restricting me so I couldn't take them. My mind was being controlled by the darkness but in the end I was fighting. My body was fighting back and that was a leaf that was not lost. That leaf didn't fall because I have been showing my body and mind love every day. 

It might sound stupid to compare our body's and mind to a tree and a seedling but it does start to make sense with our reality. When it comes to the brain and ourselves we tend to get confused and second guess because we aren't used to the information given. The brain itself is extremely scary because it is unknown to us, we go through the day forgetting why we can walk, talk, etc. When we become more aware, that is when our brain starts to realize it is becoming noticed. Believe me this works, I have started practicing mindfulness. Some may know what this is but I believe I mentioned this term in a couple entry's back. This is the practice of cleansing your mind and becoming aware at what is going through your head. The point is not to control what you're thinking but to become okay with it and watch your thoughts pass by. It is extremely hard and still is difficult for me due to having ADD and anxiety and depression. I've been working on this for three years and sometimes I get so frustrated with myself I have to take a breather. The whole reason for this ‘practice’ is to also be patient with yourself. I am still learning to accept that it will take time as well as acceptance.

So with those thoughts I’ve written out, collect, accept, and reassess. Give or take you don’t have to agree with my words, but at least take them into consideration. And remember: embrace the love throughout your day and accept the good and the bad.

Goodnight beautiful souls!