Buying ≠ Happiness

THE FEELING WON'T LAST.

The never-ending cycle that tends to be stuck in my head, is sadness = shop, lonely = shop, misunderstood = shop.... and the list goes on. In reality, anybody who truly knows the Amanda Hirsch, knows I've grown stronger and don't actually follow through with the purchase anymore, but the action of going shopping still throws me into the cycle.
Today I went to get my nails and toes done and my lashes filled. It's something I do once a month that is for me, and I enjoy doing it. I'm a nanny so I don't really have a lot of focus on me/ my well-being and so on because I'm in charge of two little ones. Anyway, I went into the store after being tired, hungry, and exhausted, plus, knowing I have HW/ studying to do when I get home, I still went in. I arrived there at 6 pm, and left at 9 pm. The crazy part is I don't realize how much time has gone by but yet I do in the very back of my mind. I vaguely hear thoughts such as, "I should probably be getting home soon..." "I don't see anything I for sure need"... "what time is it?" Even though these are all thoughts that pass through my mind, my eyes are racing looking at every color, brand, price, style, etc. and I can't seem to stop them. I also tend to go in circles while walking because I get so dizzy from all the signs and where things are in a place I end up pacing back and forth; it truly is petrifying.
I wish someone who knew what I felt could explain this experience to others in the way I wanted it to be said, but no words can ever explain what I feel on a daily basis. My mom told me whenever I feel the urge to buy something, to call her and she will "walk with me on the way out the door" (figuratively). That does help so much and my mom is absolutely amazing, but I STILL struggle with breaking away. I grabbed 30 items and that's nothing compared to what I used to do. The problem is I sat in the room and went back and forth which each item trying to figure out which ones I should get that will add up to the total I have; but the longer I looked and looked, I kept going back to those faint thoughts telling me to stop. My phone was at exactly 1% that entire time I was shopping and the crazy thing was my mom called me right when I was in the dressing room and I'm happy she did. She broke me out of my "stuck" place. She said "where have you been child and are you dead? Thought your phone died... " Of course I told her I was shopping and she simply reminded me in her voice of reasoning to not buy anything that plays into my impulsive thinking. I of course lashed out but on the inside I knew she was right; I didn't want any of this stuff! I grabbed my belongings and a couple choices to see if it was worth it to purchase them, and the ladies outside the dressing rooms stopped me. They asked if I was coming back to my dressing room and I have no idea why I did this but I told them I need to go get my mom to show her some of the items and this one lady was looking at me like "yeah right b***." Long story short, I was pretending to be on the phone looking around because this woman was like a hawk glaring at me from across the store. I literally felt like I did something awful, like I had stolen from them or whatever... that's not how to treat someone even if I wasn't telling the truth. I wasn't in the state of mind to deal with this so I tried to be calm and all the sudden she sends two people with walkie talkies in security outfits and they demand me to clean up my mess. Mess? I was like "ok, one second." I was pretending to look at stuff when I saw in the corner of my eye that all of them were looking at each other judging my every move. The manager swung her head back at me and said "Ma'am you need to go in there right now or else we cannot let you leave." First of all, WHAT IN THE FLIPPING HECK! This isn't a prison? I was put on the spot and embarrassed by a place that I was ABOUT to purchase from. I could've really said something that whipped her right into shape but I said "Yeah, I get it lady, I worked retail at a higher/classy place.. but I would NEVER talk to someone like that." I added in at the end that they didn't have to be rude, it was uncalled for. The lady who called me out from the get go was onto me that night and I didn't even enjoy shopping; it legit felt like I was watched from every angle.
The worst part is I was already feeling guilty about my spending issue that I didn't know what was worse, cleaning up a million clothes, or being watched cleaning a million clothes up... oh wait, that happened. Goodness gracious I was about to buy two things that totaled to twenty dollars and it was literally a bargain, but as I continued to walk to the front of the checking out line, I started scanning more and more and I couldn't stop my eyes from racing. I started tearing up a little because I think I knew what I was doing, I broke the mold that my face was pretending to hold, like everything was ok. What I did was truly incredible, I put down my items, went out the door and straight to my car. The monumental aspect of that action is based solely on the reasoning that it was me who acted upon this, not anybody else. I get frustrated because I hate not being able to stop, the time wastes away and that is when I feel guilty because I know I could've been using time that is so precious with the ones I love.
However, that is not fair and I taught you all and myself to never give up and to keep persevering because I and you all (if you keep trying!) know that we have the power to say no. It is incredibly difficult but the more times you say it the more instances will occur that will make you say "whoa, I'm the one who did that." Although my day started on a really sour and painful note, I would like to end on a neutral one, thank you for all being there, I need to really stay true to myself and the supporters who got me here. A post a week would be a dream but we all know how busy life gets... however, that's not an excuse to give up!

Keep your heads high and your chins up, we got this. 

Hello There Wilting Flower...

       

 Even though I’ve spent some time away from my keyboard for a while, doesn’t mean I’ve stopped moving forward positively in my life. I have met someone recently who brings out the absolute best in me and I cannot say or show how incredibly happy I’ve been. The reason he is absolutely amazing is because he talks to me about my past and how dwelling on the past struggles does nothing for your future. He told me “if you do nothing but stay in the past, that’s all you will ever do.” I am told I am stronger than I ever was because of all the progress I’ve made and the tools I have learned for the future. Just because I’m with someone doesn’t make me happy, it also doesn’t make what I go through on a day to day basis 'easier,' but it does help me move forward knowing I have one more person on my team.

            Whenever a flower starts to wilt, it isn’t too late. There is still time to save it, by giving it extra love and care. I remember a science experiment I completed in school; we had 3 seeds of the same flower. The first seed will be watered/taken care of the same way as the other 2 except we had to say negative words daily. The 2^nd seed was our controlled.

We watered and took care of it the same but we didn’t say anything to it. Lastly, the 3^rd seed was watered and taken care of the same as the other 2, and we told the seed positive messages daily. Believe it or not, the seed that grew into the healthiest and strongest of them all was the last one; the flower that started off as a seed and grew and grew from positive encouragement. This experiment stuck with me because words do have a huge impact on people and especially living things in general like flowers!

Each and every one of us has gone through a struggle that we think nobody knows. Truth is, I went through hell and I always said “you don’t even know how hard it is.” One day... my boyfriend said to me “no, I don’t... but I know how it feels to feel angry at the world because of the struggle you went through.” It’s true, not every being on this earth will know the past you’ve dealt with and the thoughts that haunt you to this day, but that extreme hurt or sadness is in the PAST now. My boyfriend told me “nothing will be as bad as that day that hurt you the most. Moving on from that hurt should be the only thing you do. If you keep going back to that moment in your life how will you find the strength to move on?”

Not everyone is bad in the world and there is bound to be a person that has gone through something similar as you.

The reason I chose the title of a wilting flower is because it resembles the idea of healing and strengthening. When I was at my lowest point my family and close friends told me I wasn’t alone and that they were holding my hand throughout this journey. To be honest, I have felt alone at times because I feel as if nobody will understand what is going on inside my mind, and that is true but, the people who are helping me are wanting to understand. I spent so much time resisting the help that I forgot that support/love/and care are the 3 most important ingredients in order to continue to move on. It’s like breaking your ankle; you take time to listen to the steps that are to come in the healing process, and the first step is to regain the structure. Once you build that structure, it’s safe to stand on. The next step that comes is strengthening that ankle to full recovery. It may not match the other ankle that didn’t break, but taking the time to keep working and fighting, it’ll come.

The healing process of a broken ankle is the same as the healing process of a mental disorder. There are different parts that work separately but come together in the end. For instance, a doctor puts the cast on the ankle that is injured and lays out a path of recovery. Same goes for depression; a psychologist/psychiatrist lays out tools to learn that will be useful in the future. The healing process looks so long and rigorous in the beginning but once you start, the steps start to fall into place. Once the cast comes off of the ankle the strengthening process begins. The PT specialist helps and trains you to gain strength into the ankle that is weaker; just like gaining strength inside your mind to move on each day in a positive way.

Even though I’m using scenarios that deal with a physical weakness and the other a mental weakness, it is still the same process. For your day and the next days to come, make the choice: to let your flower wilt or to grow stronger and gain insight on what you need to better yourself. Each and every one of us is special in our own ways, use those abilities to blow people away. Be confident inside and your confidence will radiate and shine through.

Thank you for reading!

I truly appreciate your support.

Amanda

            

Trees Lose Leaves Too..

I know it has been awhile since I've come out of my little world and posted on here, I'm sorry for that! But as you know I have a life I have to live and sometimes there are conflicts within the days I go through. Sometimes I don't even have the strength within to keep going.

Tonight I was given the choice of choosing something unhealthy to make me feel better and wash my feelings away or to let out my feelings by painting or posting another entry. A really close person to me said "you have the choice to do what is 'best' for you." They didn't pressure me or say "that's not good for you." If they had I probably would've chosen, the other option. In my head to anyone who cannot relate; I tend to lean toward the bad choice for me.

There have been many times in the past month where I've thought about hurting myself again. I don't know why but I always think about terrible things and acting on them after 4 pm and on. I've talked to my psychologist and doctor etc. about this and it's because my medicine slowly weens off. It sucks to have to rely on the timing of your medication because sometimes I think "why am I not strong enough to control this on my own?" Last night I was hanging out with someone for the first time and I now know not to hang with that person again due to the words/ sentences he used. He said "medicine is just making you worse..." I honestly wanted to punch him so bad but I controlled myself and simply said "you're not me but thanks for your opinion." My mom has always told me to handle it with class and hold the sass for later hahaha. Anyway, it sucks when you put that information out there to people because you never know what their opinions are and what they are going to reply with. I have gotten a lot of crap from people that don't know my history by hearing "just forget the past," "you'll get over it," "just focus on something positive!" It's like IF I KNEW HOW TO DO THAT I WOULDN'T EVEN BE TALKING TO YOU. But life sometimes won't go the way you want it to and that is the whole point of defeating challenges and taking on new ones. 

I named this blog entry "Trees Lose Leaves Too" because as cheesy as it sounds... trees always lose their leaves; some may lose them faster others but they all will grow them back eventually. This connects to many things in my life and may connect to yours as well.

Our leaves in life may be multiple things in life (losing a job, losing a loved one, or other losses that happen when we least expect them to) but when we lose those things in life we tend to compare our struggle to someone else's that happened in the past. For instance, I had to go through a terrible loss of my friend committing suicide in junior year of high school. I went through a year or more of loss and it resulted in many stages of emotional grief. My parents told me stories about when they lost their mom or boyfriend in the past and how they got over it. However, I kept working myself up because I kept hearing "you'll find a way to accept it soon." I didn't want to accept it and to this day I haven't accepted it, loss is never easy for anybody, and it is not the same for people in the stages they go through. I was often angry rather than sad because the school didn't do very much about the cause of her suicide and the people responsible for the bullying; but the anger never really went away. People kept telling me it'll pass and since they gave me advice based on THEIR experience... it was harder for me to move on! Nobody can tell you when the awful feeling you are experiencing will go away. THEY ARE NOT YOU. You can look it up on google all you want like getting over a boyfriend etc. but if you don't want to push yourself to accepting closure on your own you will find it harder to push through. 

I don't know a lot about life or mine at all due to being a young adult, and I find it really hard to even apply these tips to myself as well. But when I go through the different stages of my emotions everyday it’s similar to comparing it to a lottery. I never know what I'm going to feel at this part of my day. It’s always different, if I'm eating a good meal I might happen to cry or yell for absolutely no cause at all. Some may say it's because I'm a woman but honestly I know my body and I know what I'm feeling is within my mind. The mind is a powerful thing as everyone is aware of, and it is extremely hard to conquer anything when it has to deal with the mind battling the mind. That is why psychological disorders of any degree are such a hard obstacle to overcome and it doesn't happen just once, you have to conquer it time and time again throughout your whole life. I'll just be sitting in my room and suddenly feel the urge to take all my pills out and swallow them. It's absolutely terrifying to be your own captive to your inner monster… my inner monster takes over my mind when I’m at a weak point, but it's my job to decide whether it will win or lose. 

When trees start to grow, you plant a seed in the ground, water it, and let the sun do its work. The growing doesn't immediately happen right then and there, it's a long process that doesn't happen overnight. When the seedling starts to sprout and make its way breaking through the soil, there is still a high chance of it withering or not surviving due to weather conditions or unseen sources. However, you will never be able to foresee the outcome, we cannot see the future but if you show love and care to that seedling it will portray that love and care into becoming a large and healthy tree. Just like humans, we need fuel to build strong bones and muscle and it took a while to grow our body to a strong and healthy being. Just because you have reached a maximum weight of an adult doesn't mean you have stopped growing so you can relax now, it means you have more time to concentrate on growing and helping your mind. Your mind is still sprouting, and it will be for the rest of our lives. That is what is so magical about our brain, we control it, sometimes it may not want to be controlled due to depression, anxiety, etc. but like I said about the possibility of withering... we can only do our best to control the situation we are in/ the present. We cannot control what happens in the future but we can build ourselves up to work and help ready ourselves for that hurdle when it comes. For instance, when I was staring at a full bottle of pills that I dumped into my hand a week or so ago, nobody stopped me, I just looked at them. I didn't act on it because my mind was giving in to my inner demons but my arm wasn't moving. My hand and arm were restricting me so I couldn't take them. My mind was being controlled by the darkness but in the end I was fighting. My body was fighting back and that was a leaf that was not lost. That leaf didn't fall because I have been showing my body and mind love every day. 

It might sound stupid to compare our body's and mind to a tree and a seedling but it does start to make sense with our reality. When it comes to the brain and ourselves we tend to get confused and second guess because we aren't used to the information given. The brain itself is extremely scary because it is unknown to us, we go through the day forgetting why we can walk, talk, etc. When we become more aware, that is when our brain starts to realize it is becoming noticed. Believe me this works, I have started practicing mindfulness. Some may know what this is but I believe I mentioned this term in a couple entry's back. This is the practice of cleansing your mind and becoming aware at what is going through your head. The point is not to control what you're thinking but to become okay with it and watch your thoughts pass by. It is extremely hard and still is difficult for me due to having ADD and anxiety and depression. I've been working on this for three years and sometimes I get so frustrated with myself I have to take a breather. The whole reason for this ‘practice’ is to also be patient with yourself. I am still learning to accept that it will take time as well as acceptance.

So with those thoughts I’ve written out, collect, accept, and reassess. Give or take you don’t have to agree with my words, but at least take them into consideration. And remember: embrace the love throughout your day and accept the good and the bad.

Goodnight beautiful souls!