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| THE FEELING WON'T LAST. |
Today I went to get my nails and toes done and my lashes filled. It's something I do once a month that is for me, and I enjoy doing it. I'm a nanny so I don't really have a lot of focus on me/ my well-being and so on because I'm in charge of two little ones. Anyway, I went into the store after being tired, hungry, and exhausted, plus, knowing I have HW/ studying to do when I get home, I still went in. I arrived there at 6 pm, and left at 9 pm. The crazy part is I don't realize how much time has gone by but yet I do in the very back of my mind. I vaguely hear thoughts such as, "I should probably be getting home soon..." "I don't see anything I for sure need"... "what time is it?" Even though these are all thoughts that pass through my mind, my eyes are racing looking at every color, brand, price, style, etc. and I can't seem to stop them. I also tend to go in circles while walking because I get so dizzy from all the signs and where things are in a place I end up pacing back and forth; it truly is petrifying.
I wish someone who knew what I felt could explain this experience to others in the way I wanted it to be said, but no words can ever explain what I feel on a daily basis. My mom told me whenever I feel the urge to buy something, to call her and she will "walk with me on the way out the door" (figuratively). That does help so much and my mom is absolutely amazing, but I STILL struggle with breaking away. I grabbed 30 items and that's nothing compared to what I used to do. The problem is I sat in the room and went back and forth which each item trying to figure out which ones I should get that will add up to the total I have; but the longer I looked and looked, I kept going back to those faint thoughts telling me to stop. My phone was at exactly 1% that entire time I was shopping and the crazy thing was my mom called me right when I was in the dressing room and I'm happy she did. She broke me out of my "stuck" place. She said "where have you been child and are you dead? Thought your phone died... " Of course I told her I was shopping and she simply reminded me in her voice of reasoning to not buy anything that plays into my impulsive thinking. I of course lashed out but on the inside I knew she was right; I didn't want any of this stuff! I grabbed my belongings and a couple choices to see if it was worth it to purchase them, and the ladies outside the dressing rooms stopped me. They asked if I was coming back to my dressing room and I have no idea why I did this but I told them I need to go get my mom to show her some of the items and this one lady was looking at me like "yeah right b***." Long story short, I was pretending to be on the phone looking around because this woman was like a hawk glaring at me from across the store. I literally felt like I did something awful, like I had stolen from them or whatever... that's not how to treat someone even if I wasn't telling the truth. I wasn't in the state of mind to deal with this so I tried to be calm and all the sudden she sends two people with walkie talkies in security outfits and they demand me to clean up my mess. Mess? I was like "ok, one second." I was pretending to look at stuff when I saw in the corner of my eye that all of them were looking at each other judging my every move. The manager swung her head back at me and said "Ma'am you need to go in there right now or else we cannot let you leave." First of all, WHAT IN THE FLIPPING HECK! This isn't a prison? I was put on the spot and embarrassed by a place that I was ABOUT to purchase from. I could've really said something that whipped her right into shape but I said "Yeah, I get it lady, I worked retail at a higher/classy place.. but I would NEVER talk to someone like that." I added in at the end that they didn't have to be rude, it was uncalled for. The lady who called me out from the get go was onto me that night and I didn't even enjoy shopping; it legit felt like I was watched from every angle.
The worst part is I was already feeling guilty about my spending issue that I didn't know what was worse, cleaning up a million clothes, or being watched cleaning a million clothes up... oh wait, that happened. Goodness gracious I was about to buy two things that totaled to twenty dollars and it was literally a bargain, but as I continued to walk to the front of the checking out line, I started scanning more and more and I couldn't stop my eyes from racing. I started tearing up a little because I think I knew what I was doing, I broke the mold that my face was pretending to hold, like everything was ok. What I did was truly incredible, I put down my items, went out the door and straight to my car. The monumental aspect of that action is based solely on the reasoning that it was me who acted upon this, not anybody else. I get frustrated because I hate not being able to stop, the time wastes away and that is when I feel guilty because I know I could've been using time that is so precious with the ones I love.
However, that is not fair and I taught you all and myself to never give up and to keep persevering because I and you all (if you keep trying!) know that we have the power to say no. It is incredibly difficult but the more times you say it the more instances will occur that will make you say "whoa, I'm the one who did that." Although my day started on a really sour and painful note, I would like to end on a neutral one, thank you for all being there, I need to really stay true to myself and the supporters who got me here. A post a week would be a dream but we all know how busy life gets... however, that's not an excuse to give up!
Keep your heads high and your chins up, we got this.
